In Defense of the New Balance & Hoka Sneaker/Mules
After taking some time to reflect, I think I'm starting to understand why people like these.
LMAO — JOKES ON YOU. I HATE THESE THINGS SO MUCH.
I want to make it very clear that my disdain for the New Balance sneaker loafers, along with the Hoka sneaker loafers, is not just for the shoe itself, but also for the people that wear them.
I'm not quite sure at what point as a society we decided that it was okay to just make things for the sake of making things, but I think this sneaker loafer hybrid is the pinnacle of a bad idea allowed to roam free for too long. I don't even really know what the solution is, but what I do know is that the only thing we can do right now to make sure that this does not continue to blossom into a trend is to make fun of everyone and anyone who even considers wearing these. I don't think that bullying is something that we should celebrate, but drastic times call for drastic measures. I think it's time to bring back bullying to a level at which we embarrass these people enough that they either decide to never leave their home or tuck these bastardized sneakers into the back of their closets and allow them to rot into oblivion.
Here are my three main issues (of MANY) with these sneaker / loafers and those who choose to wear them.
My first issue is that the people who wear these aren't at all interesting — you aren’t interesting. Like you saw these on Instagram Explore page, and you decided to pick up a pair because you genuinely thought that deep down inside these would make you… cooler? More interesting? Someone worth talking to? — I don't really know what the logic was with these. All I know is that for anyone who's ordered them, I can almost guarantee you that the origin of these came from a desire to look like someone that you either saw on Tiktok or on Instagram. I hate to break it to you, but a lot of those people were sent those sneakers. They didn't actually go and spend their money on those sneakers. The difference between you and them is that they will put them on, take a few pictures or record a video and then get a bag from New Balance or Hoka, but you're going to put them on, and every person who walks by you on the street is going to know that you are [relatively] boring and/or an extremely uninteresting person.
Now this is not me being extreme; this seems to be the popular consensus. It feels like every single writer in the menswear and womenswear space that has a voice worth listening to (and hasn’t been paid to say otherwise) has made it clear that this feels like a meme in and of itself, and yet, people are going to continue to buy these thinking that they're different or unique, or they could pull them off. Unfortunately, unless you work for Dover Street Market, I don't think you’re going to be able to make these look good working your 9-5 job, rotting away in a cubicle.
The second issue is that if you wear these, I just can't trust your judgment. You're not someone who thinks critically, nor are you someone who thinks too deeply into why people do what they do!!! You are led by trends and by seeing what other people are doing, as opposed to sitting down and making an informed decision that is a reflection of who you are!!! You are a living, creating copy & paste!!!
Now, I don't want to beat down on the social media post again but I do think we live in a day and age where a majority of people's opinions are informed by what they see online from sources that aren't reliable or genuine. I think the problem with the menswear and the womenswear landscape today is that a lot of people aren't sitting down to reflect on who they are as a person and what they want to relate about that with what they are wearing. Instead, they are trying to mimic and copy what they see online and try to make it work for themselves. And this isn’t a ‘GO FIND YOUR PERSONAL STYLE’ post; Lord knows we need another one of those. This is a ‘go and live your life + become aware of what you do and why you do it + find clothing that works for you.’ Stop trying to make something work for you that isn’t meant for you.
‘Oh but Mariano these do work for me!!!’ — Literally the only reason these exist are for doctors who sit all day and need to take laps around their office from time to time. They exist for nurses who want to be different and unique, to stand out from everyone else. These are niche, really cool + really hot people in Japan — ex: not you!!!
And I think we don't have to look too far back into the past — do you remember the Balenciaga Triple S sneaker??? Every single person who wore those was essentially a walking red flag to me. It became very clear that that person had no idea who they are, no real understanding of their personal journey in clothing, and they just wanted to wear whatever Hypebeast or Highsnobiety or Complex said was the cool sneaker of the moment. I can almost guarantee you that every single person who bought a pair of those Triple S sneakers has them tucked away in a box and are ashamed of any fit pics they took with them on.
[For any guys who did own those, did any girl ever find you attractive as you wore them?]
[[For the short kings, did the ~5 inch boost help your Napoleon complex?]]
Although the times have changed and the footwear has changed, you might still be the same type of person who would have bought those monstrosities a few years back, and will likely buy whatever the next monstrocity is in a few years.
My third issue is that you should probably call your parents and ask if there was anything that they can remember from your childhood that would have formed you into who you are today. Now I'm not saying you have to go into therapy because you decided to wear these sneakers, but I am saying that there might be something intrinsically wrong with you. Maybe you didn't receive the affirmation you needed from your parents. Maybe you were picked last for the kickball team in elementary school and that sill haunts you. Maybe you never got to be first string violin in the orchestra. Maybe no one took a chance on giving you a solo in the choir. I don't really know what it could be, but all I know is that you wearing these seems like a desperate cry for help. And those desperate cries for help are okay when you are a child, but not when you're in your mid-20’s (or later).
Now I know that you might be reading this and thinking “Mariano, these critiques all seem really aggressive and quite mean spirited!” and I will agree with you; this is probably the most sarcastic thing I have ever written. But at the core of this, I do think there are some valid ideas around what people wear and why they wear them. I don't know that someone who is in the later half of their 20’s should be making fashion decisions purely based off of what they see on social media. I also think that if you are in your late 20’s and you've never consciously sat down to try to make sense of what you are trying to reflect with what you wear, you should probably do that now as you are entering real adulthood, and maybe consider that it is time to stop buying whatever the most trendy new sneaker is. Maybe it is time to invest in something that you'll get some longevity out of.
Finally, I just don't think that dressing with extremely niche and weird articles of clothing as a means for gathering attention to yourself is healthy. There are so many other ways to live your life receiving affirmation from people and I don't think that putting on a monstrosity of a sneaker loaf or hybrid is the way to do it. And you might be saying that that isn’t the reason why you bought these but come on, you want to be soooo different soooo badly and this is your easy way out. Let’s change that.
Maybe try to build friendships off of, I don't know, hobbies or something? But trying to be the weird person never really pans out unless you're genuinely the weird person and if you are genuinely a weird person, you wouldn't be offended by the fact that I'm poking fun of these sneakers, because you'd be quite confident in what you wear. (And you def wouldn’t be wearing these things either)
All I'm saying is I think we have to really sit down and wonder why we've allowed these things to exist. Why are we okay with brands putting out objects of clothing that they themselves know have no long term sustainability? And why are we spending the money? These are at least $150 from what I understand — why are we spending money like that on things that we have no intention on wearing beyond this season? I feel like whenever I try to explain to someone that there is incredible footwear options in the $400-$500 range, they immediately think that I'm crazy. But the thing about some of those offerings is that for $400 or $500 you're getting a decade of wear out of them. Spending $150 for a few months and a few fit pics really seems irresponsible not just financially, but also from the angle of trying to be sustainable. And one step further, trying to minimize how much waste we put back into the system.
Now, if you're reading these, and you do own a pair of these, I apologize if you've taken offense to any of this, wahhh wahhh wahhhhhhh. I will still tell you to your face that they are gross and hideous and that you are uninteresting as a person, but I am proud of you for being bold enough to wear them outside of your house. I don't know what I would do with that much boldness and confidence. I can only pray that God would give me an ounce of your bravery so that I could be a better version of myself, one that I am happy and satisfied with.
All I want to do now is throw out some small recommendations for other sneakers and loafers that you could buy instead of these…things.
Hereu Soller Sport — A beefy Mary-Jane type shoe you can wear if you aren’t scared of catching strange looks from other ‘alpha bros.’
G.H. Bass Lug Weejun — SHORT KINGS!!! KEEP THE HEIGHT GOING!!! WITH A LEGACY BRAND!!!
Jacques Soloviere Jo Black — A Belgian loafer met a Mary Jane and the rest is history.
Adidas Taekwondo Sneaker — Maybe you missed the prev trends but it is prime time to dip your foot into the thin-sole sneaker resurgence. And you avoid getting the loud…well…
Onitsuka Tiger Mexico 66 — The Kill Bill color way is the colorway, and you need to be bold to pull these off. I believe in you.
Kleman Dalior V2 — The brown suede / tan suede combo really gives off a 70’s-esque vibe that’ll make you standout.
^^^ any of these will look better + last longer than the garbage offerings you previously considered.
Anyways, love you.